How Intergenerational Trauma Shapes Relationships—and What We Can Do About It

Treatment: Talk Therapy
Written By Radhalisa Zarzuela, LMHC

“Our Ancestors knew that healing comes in cycles and circles. One generation carries the pain so that the next can live and heal. One cannot live without the other, each is the other’s hope, meaning & strength.”

- Gemma B. Benton

Many of us carry and inherit stories, wounds, and pains we didn’t personally live through.

More than just eye color or temperament from our families—we also inherit patterns of relating, coping, and surviving. This is the heart of intergenerational trauma: when the impact of trauma experienced by previous generations affects family systems/attachments, and intimate relationships. 

What Is Intergenerational Trauma?

Intergenerational trauma refers to the psychological and emotional wounding that’s passed down from one generation to the next (Cerdeña, et al., 2021). This can happen through:

  • Adverse experiences in childhood

    • (e.g. emotional, psychological, sexual abuse, neglect, domestic violence, parental separation/divorce)

  • Unspoken grief or loss

  • Cultural and historical trauma

    • (e.g., war, displacement, immigration, racism and oppression)

  • Epigenetic changes that affect stress response systems

For example, studies have shown that children exposed to violence develop long-lasting effects of trauma, subsequently being at risk of impacting or passing trauma to their future family and/or relationships (Fredland et al., 2015; Steketee, 2017 ).

How It Affects Attachment and Relationship Patterns

Whether it’s been inherited or experienced directly, trauma can deeply impact how we develop and maintain relationships. This often shows up through attachment styles, which are formed in early relationships with caregivers and influence how we connect with others throughout life.

Here’s how some of these patterns might look in adults (Theodorou, 2021):

 

  • Caregiving is consistent, reliable, physically and emotionally safe, showing up in relationships as:

    • High level of self-confidence

    • Comfortable in discussing and expressing feelings, emotions

    • Showing affection and openness towards intimacy

    • Capable of accepting rejection

  • Often rooted in inconsistent caregiving, this style may show up as:

    • Fear of abandonment and/or difficulty being alone

    • Needing constant reassurance

    • Behaviors/communication can be erratic and irrational

    • Difficulty trusting people and maintaining relationships

  • Can emerge from caregivers who were emotionally distant, overwhelmed, or not physically present. This might look like:

    • Emotional distancing or shutting down

    • Self-reliant or hyperindependent 

    • Fear of being controlled

    • Discomfort with closeness and/or intimacy

  • Often linked to complex or traumatic early environments (e.g., abuse or neglect). May  show up as:

    • Low self-confidence

    • Fear closeness, vulnerability, commitment, and intimacy 

    • High reactivity in conflict-distrust, lashing out

    • Difficulty regulating or expressing emotions

 

These attachment patterns demonstrate ways in which individuals have had to survive with themselves and in present-day interpersonal relationships. Learning about attachment styles and patterns, help build awareness, growth, and change in our internal system and relational dynamics.

How to Start Healing and Cultivating Healthier Dynamics

Recognizing how intergenerational trauma impacts our relationships can feel overwhelming—but it can also be profoundly liberating. Healing and change is possible; it often begins with awareness.

Here are some steps to move toward healthier relational patterns:

 

  • Notice your own reactions and patterns in relationships without judgment. Ask yourself:

    • Where did I learn to react this way?

    • Is this behavior trying to protect me from something?

    • How is this behavior or pattern showing up in my body?

    Compassionate self-inquiry is the first step to change.

  • Understanding your attachment style (and your partner’s) can reduce reactivity and increase awareness and empathy. No style is “bad”—they’re simply clues to what your nervous system needs to feel safe.

  • Intergenerational trauma can disrupt our ability to express emotions, and communicate directly and calmly. Start small:

    • Use I statements (“I feel hurt when…”)

    • Slow down during conflict—take breaks if needed (take a moment to pause or breathe)

    • Be mindful of nonverbal cues: tone, body language, and facial expressions

  • It’s not about never having conflict—it’s about learning how to repair after rupture in a healthy and safe way. Healthy relationships allow space for:

    • Expressing and validating needs and concerns

    • Focus on finding solutions/making amends 

    • Growing together over time, and respecting each other’s individual growth and differences

  • Therapy, somatic work, EMDR, internal family systems (IFS), and mindfulness practices can all support healing intergenerational wounds. You might also explore:

    • Family stories or genograms

    • Cultural rituals or ancestral practices

    • Writing or movement as a form of processing

  • You don’t have to do this alone. Healing happens not just in therapy offices, but in everyday relationships—with friends, partners, pets, communities, family, chosen family, and with yourself.

 
 

Intergenerational trauma can impact the way we show up for ourselves and our relationships.

With awareness, care, and support, working through intergenerational trauma and attachment patterns/styles can be very transformative and healing. By learning to recognize old patterns and wounds, communicating effectively and clearly, and moving towards a secure connection, we don’t just change our own lives—we begin to break cycles for future generations.

You grow as you go, and even more so in a beautifully held, supportive, safe, nourishing, and healing environment.

If you're curious to learn more about how trauma-informed therapy can support strengthening healthier relationships and attachment styles, please reach out to our team. We specialize in helping individuals and couples build more secure, connected, and fulfilling lives.

 
Radhalisa Zarzuela, LMHC
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